Anxiety of Death

“Dear, I felt so gloomy but I don’t know the cause.” Texted by me to my husband.

It all started when my Eyang passed away in October. How my tremble voice of my mom breaking the news in front of my very eyes. It was so vivid and surrealist. As my parents left my apartment, there’s only me and my kids. I just hugged my first born to sooth my feeling. Day after that, my husband had to attend wedding at another town, make my feeling so gloomy and hollow. The loneliness made random thought knocked my head impolitely.

All of my lineal grandparents has passed away.

The sadness of my dad loosing both parents and couldn’t attend the funeral for both.

The feeling how if I lost my parent. Death is sure to whom have soul. The choice only two: you leave first or your loved one leave you first. I started to imagine if my parent passed away. How the process, the feeling, the sadness. How the world crumbles around me, the feeling when the people used to be there but now they are not there. How long I will coup that feeling, how to survive life after that. Many imaginary feeling haunting me so real. Everytime I know the news about someone’s parent who passed away, I count their age and how much years remain for my parent’s age compare to them. Sick thought.

What about If I passed away first. I examined my kid’s faces closely. What happened to my first born who love to be cuddled by me? A sensitive boy, he would surely cry and feel alone due to no mom could hug him so tight. What happened to my second born, who love to sniff my scene, even my used clothes. How she would cry so cranky knowing there is no scent of her mother left to her.

The weight is burdened over me. My days seem so dark. What make it worse is the events soon to be happened. I don’t know when, 5 years, 10 years, or more. But it surely happened. My feet is weak, I started to sweat. I get headache and I can’t focus my day.

Once blitz thought appeared to my mind, should I to weaken the feeling among to my loved ones so I able to feel less sad when it will be happened?

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